Was what you said necessary?

My friends and I were chatting merrily when one of my friends got a call. She went a little further from us to receive it, and after a while, we could hear her explaining something related to academics. When she returned, we said to her that she would make an excellent academic advisor. To our surprise, she got hurt and told us that she would never talk about things like that in front of us. We were baffled but explained to her that we were praising her, for which she replied, "I am not used to praising. I have only received criticism for everything I do. So I thought you guys were making fun of me". I learned that day, the feeling of self-doubt and low self-esteem are consequences of events that built up rather silently starting from childhood.

We are ever so careful about our children and take every possible step to ensure they don’t experience physical or sexual abuse. We educate them on what to do if they are subjected to abuse. However, there is another kind of abuse; an overlooked one because its scars are invisible, and one that is perpetrated by us, the protectors of children. Emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is more common than we want to believe. Rates of 12.7% for sexual abuse, 16.3% for physical neglect, 18.4% for emotional neglect, 22.6% for physical abuse, and 36.3% for emotional abuse are prevalent, estimated a worldwide meta-analysis presented by M. Stoltenborgh Bakermans-M.J. Kranenburg, L.R.A. Alink and M.H. van IJzendoorn.

Now, what comes to your mind when you hear the word emotional abuse? Do you picture a parent yelling at a child who is curled up in a corner, its face hidden between knees? Or a group of students bullying a child? The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child and the World Report on Violence and Health identified acts such as restriction of movement, patterns of belittling, denigrating, scapegoating, threatening, scaring, discriminating, ridiculing, or other non-physical forms of hostile or rejecting treatment as emotional abuse. Whereas threatening the children, scolding them, yelling at them, bullying them, and rejecting them without showing love and care are forms of emotional abuse, there is another subtle form that has the same magnitude to destroy the well-being of children. "It is more common than we think and can take place even in families without intrapersonal problems", says Doyle in the journal Child Abuse Review. This form of emotional abuse thrives on words we think harmless and humorous. 

Children grow by observing the grown-ups around them. Before they attain the maturity to form their opinion about certain things, they assume what the adults say as the truth. On this note, they believe what we say about them is also true. But does what we say about them always true? For example, we say things to children like ‘why can’t you be more like your brother?’, ‘none of your dresses fit you because you’re fat!' ‘is there anything you can do right?’ ‘are you dumb, why can’t you understand such a small thing?’ By asserting so, we may not mean any harm to children, but if we could hold ourselves for a second before we make these remarks, we would understand the futility of them. A child is always unique, and there can be no one in comparison for him/her. Although we think our child is fat, if our child is healthy, it is unnecessary to address them as fat in a derogatory manner. If a child is obese, it is the parents' responsibility to regulate the diet of children. More often than not, things we ridicule children for are not their fault. Their traits, their mental developmental capacity, and undoubtedly their appearance are out of their power to control. So we are blaming them for something they can’t help.

The harsh, yet futile words we use in the hope of correcting our children have a negative impact on their emotional development. Words such as those mentioned above, when heard over time, affect their intellectual, behavioral, and social well-being and the impact goes way into their adulthood. They grow into people who lack self-esteem. They struggle to form meaningful relationships, fearing the judgment of others. Even worse, they sometimes become aggressive towards people around them and tend to develop mental illnesses. Research undertaken by C.M.F. Gama, L.C.L. Portugal, R.M. Gonçalves and some others on the topic ‘The invisible scars of emotional abuse’ suggests that emotional abuse has a strong impact across the lifespan, and that may be more harmful than other types of abuse.  

What can parents and adults do to avoid unintentionally maltreating children? “One of the hallmarks of emotional abuse is the absence of positive interaction (e.g. Praising) from parent to their child”, says the American Society for the Positive Care of Children. We can try speaking and doing what is necessary instead of speaking negative things that have undesirable consequences. Acknowledging our children are different from us, and they are unique in their own way is a first step to treating them respectfully. It is a parental duty to guide them through the right path and correct their negative behavior in a kinder and empathetic manner. Including children when making decisions regarding them, rather than forcing our choices, and saying sorry when we realize we mistreated them, can teach them their self-worth.

It is in our hands and mostly in our words to teach our younger ones how to conduct themselves in the wide world. The more we encourage them and fill them with positivity, the more productive a generation we build. Same as we shouldn’t be ridiculed for things we can’t help, children shouldn’t be as well. The American social reformer and writer, Frederic Douglas said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men”. So let’s make this world a safe haven for children by being mindful of our words.